Skinny Man = Large Penix

       It’s been so long since I’ve written.  I apologize to my one follower out there. This next lover was a friend, Mike, who taught me not to judge a book by its cover.  He is skinny and a lazy pothead beard and all.  He’s not completely unattractive, but I tend not to be attracted to unmotivated people or whose sole purpose in life is to work as a waiter and get high. The first time we got together he came over to smoke some pot and copy my notes from a class we were in together. The copier was in my bedroom and we sat on the bed while the pages were copying.  He kept scooting closer and closer until next thing I know we were making out.  It was amazing, he was a very passionate kisser.  I kept thinking why haven’t I thought about him this way before?  Then it got even better when we had sex.  Even though I felt like I could snap him in half since he was so skinny, he had a nice thick long dick.  I was shocked.  The sex was even better than the kissing.  Obviously having a lot of practice he took control and I went on a ride of my life.  Unfortunately it wasn’t until after we graduated and he moved to LA that we got together again and again.  I cherish all the times we had sex, they were all great.  Now he has a girlfriend so I can no longer travel to LA and expect a booty call, but I am happy for him and know she is one lucky lady.

       With this theory in mind he had another friend, Tim,  who was not as cute but also was skinny.  It was Green Beer Day and I was high and wasted and of course it seemed like a great idea to have sex.  And when I mean high and wasted, I had been smoking and drinking since early in the morning.  I think I even snorted a pill off a toilet seat.  Then in mid afternoon I was incoherent and at Mike’s house which was the hang out for people to smoke pot and drink all hours of the day every day.  I think they even left their door unlocked.  Anyways, Tim was there and like I said he was skinny and semi cute but I was fucked up beyond belief and so of course he looked handsome.  I am pretty bold to say the least when I am un-sober so I probably said let’s have sex and he agreed.  I drove, which clearly I shouldn’t have (not one of my proudest moments) and we went back to my apartment and my theory was yet again proved correct, skinny man and giant penis.  Maybe all of their calories goes to their dick?  I don’t know but I had a great time from what I could remember and I definitely passed out afterward.  So yea, who let me behind a wheel of a car?

Wildfire FIghter

I have thought I have met Mr. Right one too many times because of alcohol and good sex. So this next story was no exception. My friend Kerri and I loved karaoke and there was this place in her hometown we frequented often. This is the kind of town where everyone pretty much know everyone, so one night I met Keith who was a wild fire fighter in California and lives in Ohio and collects unemployment on his off season. He was very attractive, because we go to this bar for the karaoke not the men. He was rugged with a nice body and I am a sucker for blue eyes. After drinks were had we began flirting with one another over pool. Then we were in the back room and we couldn’t keep our hands or mouths off one another. We didn’t sleep together that night, I didn’t understand why until I slept with him the next time. He lived in the basement of his Mom’s house. Yes in his mid twenties collecting unemployment living in his Mom’s house and to top it off he didn’t have a cell phone he had to give me his Mom’s landline, I picked the winners and why did I want a relationship with him? Anyways, after lots of drinks and making out the second time we got together his drunken friend drove us to Keith’s mom’s house where we were lucky the cops didn’t pull him over and give him a DUI since he lost a hub cap on our drive. After safely arriving, we descended the basement stairs and there lies a bed on the ground. Thankfully I was so drunk and horny I didn’t care he didn’t even have a box spring; I have been in much worse beds after this. We continue making out and he eats me out and I give him head where I discovered how large his penis was and we then had passionate sex. Eventually we went to sleep and I later awoke to him peeing in the sink; I got my salad tossed for the first time. It was quite pleasant, then he fingered my ass, not as pleasant of an experience. Anal was a no go so we had sex again, then I had to go to the bathroom and only being a one bathroom house his mom was getting ready to go to work. Thus being a hiker I am no virgin to popping a squat, so I went outside to pee. This would have been a great idea if I didn’t lock myself out in the middle of winter. By the door one of Keith’s friends was passed out so I banged on the door hoping he would wake up and let me in. To no avail he stayed passed out until I was greeted by Keith’s mom who looked at me quizzically I mean I can’t imagine what was going through her mind “Who is this girl with no pants on?” So I said I am a friend of Keith’s and I locked myself out. “What were you doing outside?” I wish I could have thought of a lie quick enough, however I honestly admitted “I needed to use the bathroom”. Horrified she let me in where I did a walk of shame to the basement. I laughed and fell back asleep for a few more hours before I convinced Keith to drive me to my car so I could tell my friends what a hilarious night I had.

One Inch Wonder...NOT

In a previous blog I mentioned size does matter, and here is the story that makes me believe and know this to be a fact. Men, women are just being polite if they say size doesn’t matter, because there is such a thing as too small and there is such a thing for women as too large. One of my friends said a guy she was with was so big she could feel his penis in her stomach region. I can’t imagine that being enjoyable, like anal sex. That hole is exit only thank you very much. And yes I am that girl that screams out “Wrong Hole” if a drunken partner tries to give my ass a friendly poke.

Anyways, I was semi-friends with this guy Jeff in college. He was in a frat so we met through a mutual friend and drank and smoked pot together on occasion. One night I was over their frat house and was so drunk I was passing out on this man’s penis. Well Jeff was jealous about this and convinced me I could stay in his room for a night. And even with beer goggle I was not attracted to this man. But that night we made out and fooled around a little bit. Then I am pretty sure after that night I made it clear to him I just wanted to be friends. Any hoo, a year or so later he must have forgotten I told him I was closed for business, because I had my own place senior year and he came over to smoke, except I was all ready blacked out drunk. After we smoked all I wanted to do was pass out, but he took it as oh she wants to have sex. Which couldn’t be farther from the truth because he had to caterpillars for eyebrows on his face and was my height with an ok personality. So I swear I was saying no he could let himself out. Instead he begins to undress and announces he is taking off his insulin pump, wow that is a way to kill the mood if there was one. As the insulin pump dropped to the floor he mounted me and I think he inserted himself in me, but I couldn’t feel a thing. A minute later he orgasmed and was putting back on his insulin pump and clothes. I am pretty sure we had sex, I mean I was fucked up and all but I am pretty sure I should have felt his penis go inside me. However, it was dark, so my only conclusion is he did, but he must have had the smallest penis in the world because my vagina felt nothing. Needless to say I never called him again, I just hope he is able to find a woman with a very x-small vagina, otherwise he may have to switch teams and become a bottom. So yes size does matter, so if you are a man and have a small penis go get that penis enlarging pump, take pills, get surgery, do whatever you have to do to get an average size penis. Or at least a penis that is more than one inch.

White Trash Prom

If you have ever drunk alcohol, you know it takes a while to know your limits and build your tolerance. Well at the end of my first year of college, I was still learning this rule. My entire first year there were many times where I drank too much and mixed too much and ended up sick. So one of the times I drank way too much was quite hilarious from what I remember. It was the last party of the year and the theme was White Trash Prom. A week before the party, I was dubbed the party animal of my sorority and was given hot pink lingerie, bunny ears, and a tail. Of course I decided a playboy bunny would be a fitting costume for a white trash prom. Also before this party, I discovered 151 and all its potency. Thus I brought my bottle of 151 to the party and took 3 shots in no time. Then I decided it would be a good idea to shotgun a beer. Soon after this I was in a bedroom with this senior and we were making out then I started to give him head and that’s when all the alcohol hit me. The room started spinning and the next thing I know I am at the side of the house puking. Thankfully one person was sober enough to take me back to my dorm. I stumbled to my room and realized I was going to get sick again. To the bathroom I went where I passed out. Awaking later with my face plastered to the porcelain seat, I turned around to see a girl who lives in the hall sitting behind me. I was coughing so loud that I woke her and my entire hall up, so she stayed with me making sure I didn’t choke on my vomit. She also had the courtesy to draw me. Now framed, I have a drawing of me passed out on a toilet in a dorm bathroom as a playboy bunny. Sometimes I feel like strange things only happen to me. Especially because I saw the man I almost threw up on a few weeks ago in LA and I haven’t seen him in at least seven years since the incident. Is it fate? I hope not.

The Gatlinburg Tarzan

So many interesting things can happen on Spring Break, especially if you go to places like Cancun or Miami Beach. Well three of my friends and I decided to go to Gatlinburg, TN, not a typical spring break destination as we quickly found out, I mean there was only one bar open past midnight. But our cabin was pretty sweet, it was called the “Love Shack” which included a heart shaped Jacuzzi in the master bedroom, a pool table, Pac-Man arcade game, and an outdoor Jacuzzi. However, after arriving we discovered there wasn’t much to do even during the day, because it was definitely a very Christian and family oriented place with mini golf and a garden of life sized biblical statues. Therefore we drank a lot and went to Blake’s the only bar there was, trying to make as many sins as possible. Luckily, there was a group of men about our age also on spring break. The semi attractive bound men started talking to us, and my friend Ashley got Chippendale dancer’s number (he was not really one, just reminded us of one). So we were invited over their VIP Cabin the next night; it was two levels with a lot of bedrooms. Immediately after we arrived, they wanted us to start drinking and play pool. After the bottle of Patron was drank, and shots being taken the clothes started coming off. It’s true, tequila makes your clothes come off, next thing I know we are all hooking up with different men. I was in a bubble bath with Rico on one side and Matt on the other stroking both of their manscicles while making out. Then my other friend came in and her and Matt went in the shower and Rico and I were left to our own devices. I think the hot tub was next, we wanted some privacy trying to avoid other couples. After some literally steamy sex, Rico covered himself with a small white town and wrapped it around himself like a loin cloth and proceeded to do a dance of celebration as we journeyed to our next location, the family room floor. Now I remember this visibly and it was the first time I attempted to do a 69 and wow it was not working. I don’t understand how one can pleasure and enjoy at the same time. I need to concentrate what I’m doing, which makes it hard for me to enjoy. Then after hours of loving, we thankfully decided to go back to our cabin. On the way out, the men went our on their balcony screaming “number 1”! Thus, despite a small town, we still managed to have a good time, and I even got with Rico another night, bubble bath and all.

Plan B my Hero!

I am trying to stay in order of all my sexual escapades the best I can. So I am pretty sure Andrew from BG is next. So I went to go visit my friend Kevin at Bowling Green because he was having a 70’s themed house party. Loving to dress up I looked pretty hot in my 70’s leather jacket, page boy hat, glitter top, and bellbottom jeans. And thankfully I have always been one of those girls who knows how to do my make up, not like some people who try and cake on foundation so it melts off their face. So shortly after I got there I spotted my conquest for the night, Andrew. I have always had a thing for guys with dark hair and colored eyes, and he fit that description. So our eyes met and he crossed the room towards me and we had some flirty conversation before we went in one of the bedrooms at the house. I must have just liked the attention or was too drunk to care at this point, because he was pretty hairy and that really turns me off. Some of my friends say I like little boys since I prefer a smooth chest and no back hair, but I am sorry if I have to shave, I think men should too or at least suck it up and go get waxed. Andrew was a good kisser though and he was decent at eating me out. Then I gave him OK head and he had a good sized penis, and as we were doing these festivities someone totally walked in on us, which I thought was hilarious. We exchanged numbers and I don’t know why I actually thought something more may happen with him.

A month or so later we met up at another University, which looking back was dumb, I should have found someone else for the night. Anyways, I was staying at a friend of a friend’s house, and was definitely being clingy texting Andrew to hook up, because of course I was horny. I don’t know why I get so infatuated with such douche bags, I still have never been able to break this trend. So we finally met up on the street after a long night of drinking. I of course thought maybe we would get together much sooner, and we went back to the house where I was staying. And I definitely had sex with him without a condom, and it wasn’t good at all, so I stopped him after a minute. I was so disappointed after our time before was so passionate, and now he was not talented and we were banging on a family room floor. Not comfy. Then he left because I am not afraid to say what is on my mind, so I told him it was BAD, so he left. Now frustrated, horny, and paranoid I realized that when I got back to college I did not want the chance of being pregnant by this hairy asshole (even though he did not come in me). So I discovered the miracle drug Plan B, my first time taking the pill and the lady at the health center actually tried to make me feel bad about it saying “Hope we won’t see you here again”. Yea right, I was there a few years later.

Tiny Dancer

Ah my second one night stand, oh so memorable like the first one. As mentioned I was in a sorority with my friend Melissa who had an older sister in the same sorority. Thus as freshmen we felt special being invited to an upperclassmen party by her sister. So at this time, being 18, we thought we had to pre-game before everything so we definitely arrived at the party tipsy/wasted. I was classified boy crazy, and sober I have no shame and wasted I have even less. And of course beer goggles do not help with finding a suitable mate. So there was a man there who was a short 23 year-old graduate teacher at Bowling Green whose nickname was “Tiny Dancer”. Both of us being well on our way to blacked out find each other quite acceptable. So again at another sorority party, I find myself grinding and making out with “Tiny Dancer”, and everyone there was making fun of him. I mean, he was robbing the cradle a little bit, but I was too drunk to care or heed the warning signs from my friends. One thing led to another and we decided we definitely wanted to get it on. By this time I was living in a single dorm having switched rooms because of “door handle”. So my friend Melissa being a great friend didn’t want me walking by myself with this strange man so she said we could hook up in her room since her roommate was out of town. But again, Melissa was on the top bunk while “Tiny Dancer” and I rocked the bottom bunk below. And oh, he was not so tiny. I must say he had one of the largest penises I’ve ever had, 9 inches and girthy. It was so large it couldn’t even fit all the way inside me, I definitely had trouble walking the next day. So needless to say I was loud, moaning at the top of my lungs. So when I went to the restroom Tiny tried to get Melissa to join in the fun, yet she declined. I was happy I wanted all 9 inches for myself. For some reason Tiny and I switched numbers and actually talked which of course was weird. He lived so far away, and really this would lead to a relationship? I think not. Anyways, the important lesson to this chapter is, you cannot tell how large a man’s penis is by his height. Also size does matter, sorry men who are less than 6 inches with no girth, you do not satisfy my pichachu.