One Inch Wonder...NOT

In a previous blog I mentioned size does matter, and here is the story that makes me believe and know this to be a fact. Men, women are just being polite if they say size doesn’t matter, because there is such a thing as too small and there is such a thing for women as too large. One of my friends said a guy she was with was so big she could feel his penis in her stomach region. I can’t imagine that being enjoyable, like anal sex. That hole is exit only thank you very much. And yes I am that girl that screams out “Wrong Hole” if a drunken partner tries to give my ass a friendly poke.

Anyways, I was semi-friends with this guy Jeff in college. He was in a frat so we met through a mutual friend and drank and smoked pot together on occasion. One night I was over their frat house and was so drunk I was passing out on this man’s penis. Well Jeff was jealous about this and convinced me I could stay in his room for a night. And even with beer goggle I was not attracted to this man. But that night we made out and fooled around a little bit. Then I am pretty sure after that night I made it clear to him I just wanted to be friends. Any hoo, a year or so later he must have forgotten I told him I was closed for business, because I had my own place senior year and he came over to smoke, except I was all ready blacked out drunk. After we smoked all I wanted to do was pass out, but he took it as oh she wants to have sex. Which couldn’t be farther from the truth because he had to caterpillars for eyebrows on his face and was my height with an ok personality. So I swear I was saying no he could let himself out. Instead he begins to undress and announces he is taking off his insulin pump, wow that is a way to kill the mood if there was one. As the insulin pump dropped to the floor he mounted me and I think he inserted himself in me, but I couldn’t feel a thing. A minute later he orgasmed and was putting back on his insulin pump and clothes. I am pretty sure we had sex, I mean I was fucked up and all but I am pretty sure I should have felt his penis go inside me. However, it was dark, so my only conclusion is he did, but he must have had the smallest penis in the world because my vagina felt nothing. Needless to say I never called him again, I just hope he is able to find a woman with a very x-small vagina, otherwise he may have to switch teams and become a bottom. So yes size does matter, so if you are a man and have a small penis go get that penis enlarging pump, take pills, get surgery, do whatever you have to do to get an average size penis. Or at least a penis that is more than one inch.

White Trash Prom

If you have ever drunk alcohol, you know it takes a while to know your limits and build your tolerance. Well at the end of my first year of college, I was still learning this rule. My entire first year there were many times where I drank too much and mixed too much and ended up sick. So one of the times I drank way too much was quite hilarious from what I remember. It was the last party of the year and the theme was White Trash Prom. A week before the party, I was dubbed the party animal of my sorority and was given hot pink lingerie, bunny ears, and a tail. Of course I decided a playboy bunny would be a fitting costume for a white trash prom. Also before this party, I discovered 151 and all its potency. Thus I brought my bottle of 151 to the party and took 3 shots in no time. Then I decided it would be a good idea to shotgun a beer. Soon after this I was in a bedroom with this senior and we were making out then I started to give him head and that’s when all the alcohol hit me. The room started spinning and the next thing I know I am at the side of the house puking. Thankfully one person was sober enough to take me back to my dorm. I stumbled to my room and realized I was going to get sick again. To the bathroom I went where I passed out. Awaking later with my face plastered to the porcelain seat, I turned around to see a girl who lives in the hall sitting behind me. I was coughing so loud that I woke her and my entire hall up, so she stayed with me making sure I didn’t choke on my vomit. She also had the courtesy to draw me. Now framed, I have a drawing of me passed out on a toilet in a dorm bathroom as a playboy bunny. Sometimes I feel like strange things only happen to me. Especially because I saw the man I almost threw up on a few weeks ago in LA and I haven’t seen him in at least seven years since the incident. Is it fate? I hope not.

The Gatlinburg Tarzan

So many interesting things can happen on Spring Break, especially if you go to places like Cancun or Miami Beach. Well three of my friends and I decided to go to Gatlinburg, TN, not a typical spring break destination as we quickly found out, I mean there was only one bar open past midnight. But our cabin was pretty sweet, it was called the “Love Shack” which included a heart shaped Jacuzzi in the master bedroom, a pool table, Pac-Man arcade game, and an outdoor Jacuzzi. However, after arriving we discovered there wasn’t much to do even during the day, because it was definitely a very Christian and family oriented place with mini golf and a garden of life sized biblical statues. Therefore we drank a lot and went to Blake’s the only bar there was, trying to make as many sins as possible. Luckily, there was a group of men about our age also on spring break. The semi attractive bound men started talking to us, and my friend Ashley got Chippendale dancer’s number (he was not really one, just reminded us of one). So we were invited over their VIP Cabin the next night; it was two levels with a lot of bedrooms. Immediately after we arrived, they wanted us to start drinking and play pool. After the bottle of Patron was drank, and shots being taken the clothes started coming off. It’s true, tequila makes your clothes come off, next thing I know we are all hooking up with different men. I was in a bubble bath with Rico on one side and Matt on the other stroking both of their manscicles while making out. Then my other friend came in and her and Matt went in the shower and Rico and I were left to our own devices. I think the hot tub was next, we wanted some privacy trying to avoid other couples. After some literally steamy sex, Rico covered himself with a small white town and wrapped it around himself like a loin cloth and proceeded to do a dance of celebration as we journeyed to our next location, the family room floor. Now I remember this visibly and it was the first time I attempted to do a 69 and wow it was not working. I don’t understand how one can pleasure and enjoy at the same time. I need to concentrate what I’m doing, which makes it hard for me to enjoy. Then after hours of loving, we thankfully decided to go back to our cabin. On the way out, the men went our on their balcony screaming “number 1”! Thus, despite a small town, we still managed to have a good time, and I even got with Rico another night, bubble bath and all.

Plan B my Hero!

I am trying to stay in order of all my sexual escapades the best I can. So I am pretty sure Andrew from BG is next. So I went to go visit my friend Kevin at Bowling Green because he was having a 70’s themed house party. Loving to dress up I looked pretty hot in my 70’s leather jacket, page boy hat, glitter top, and bellbottom jeans. And thankfully I have always been one of those girls who knows how to do my make up, not like some people who try and cake on foundation so it melts off their face. So shortly after I got there I spotted my conquest for the night, Andrew. I have always had a thing for guys with dark hair and colored eyes, and he fit that description. So our eyes met and he crossed the room towards me and we had some flirty conversation before we went in one of the bedrooms at the house. I must have just liked the attention or was too drunk to care at this point, because he was pretty hairy and that really turns me off. Some of my friends say I like little boys since I prefer a smooth chest and no back hair, but I am sorry if I have to shave, I think men should too or at least suck it up and go get waxed. Andrew was a good kisser though and he was decent at eating me out. Then I gave him OK head and he had a good sized penis, and as we were doing these festivities someone totally walked in on us, which I thought was hilarious. We exchanged numbers and I don’t know why I actually thought something more may happen with him.

A month or so later we met up at another University, which looking back was dumb, I should have found someone else for the night. Anyways, I was staying at a friend of a friend’s house, and was definitely being clingy texting Andrew to hook up, because of course I was horny. I don’t know why I get so infatuated with such douche bags, I still have never been able to break this trend. So we finally met up on the street after a long night of drinking. I of course thought maybe we would get together much sooner, and we went back to the house where I was staying. And I definitely had sex with him without a condom, and it wasn’t good at all, so I stopped him after a minute. I was so disappointed after our time before was so passionate, and now he was not talented and we were banging on a family room floor. Not comfy. Then he left because I am not afraid to say what is on my mind, so I told him it was BAD, so he left. Now frustrated, horny, and paranoid I realized that when I got back to college I did not want the chance of being pregnant by this hairy asshole (even though he did not come in me). So I discovered the miracle drug Plan B, my first time taking the pill and the lady at the health center actually tried to make me feel bad about it saying “Hope we won’t see you here again”. Yea right, I was there a few years later.

Tiny Dancer

Ah my second one night stand, oh so memorable like the first one. As mentioned I was in a sorority with my friend Melissa who had an older sister in the same sorority. Thus as freshmen we felt special being invited to an upperclassmen party by her sister. So at this time, being 18, we thought we had to pre-game before everything so we definitely arrived at the party tipsy/wasted. I was classified boy crazy, and sober I have no shame and wasted I have even less. And of course beer goggles do not help with finding a suitable mate. So there was a man there who was a short 23 year-old graduate teacher at Bowling Green whose nickname was “Tiny Dancer”. Both of us being well on our way to blacked out find each other quite acceptable. So again at another sorority party, I find myself grinding and making out with “Tiny Dancer”, and everyone there was making fun of him. I mean, he was robbing the cradle a little bit, but I was too drunk to care or heed the warning signs from my friends. One thing led to another and we decided we definitely wanted to get it on. By this time I was living in a single dorm having switched rooms because of “door handle”. So my friend Melissa being a great friend didn’t want me walking by myself with this strange man so she said we could hook up in her room since her roommate was out of town. But again, Melissa was on the top bunk while “Tiny Dancer” and I rocked the bottom bunk below. And oh, he was not so tiny. I must say he had one of the largest penises I’ve ever had, 9 inches and girthy. It was so large it couldn’t even fit all the way inside me, I definitely had trouble walking the next day. So needless to say I was loud, moaning at the top of my lungs. So when I went to the restroom Tiny tried to get Melissa to join in the fun, yet she declined. I was happy I wanted all 9 inches for myself. For some reason Tiny and I switched numbers and actually talked which of course was weird. He lived so far away, and really this would lead to a relationship? I think not. Anyways, the important lesson to this chapter is, you cannot tell how large a man’s penis is by his height. Also size does matter, sorry men who are less than 6 inches with no girth, you do not satisfy my pichachu.

No means Yes, I mean No...

The second man I had sex with, pothead Brian, I also met my freshman year, and I thought he was a potential soul mate. He fit the typical guy I am attracted to; brown hair, colored eyes, and a good smile. Things began slow in comparison to my first man. I asked him to be my date to our sororities grab a date party and we sucked our faces off on the dance floor. The older girls in the sorority reprimanded me for being “sluty” even though I am sure they were just jealous. Then the next time we got together, I thought he was in love with me or at least thought we would get into a relationship. This was also my first night of juggling two men. I had met a senior, Ryan, who was like Keanu Reeves with a drug addiction. I knew he abused prescription drugs, but still I said hey why not I’ll give him a try. So my dog faced girlfriend Ramona, druggie Ryan, and I were drinking in the dorms and I get a call from Brian who was seeing if I wanted to go on a ride with him and his friend. YES, of course I wanted Brian way more than the pill popping Keanu Reeves. So I left Ramona and Ryan to fend for themselves in hopes they would hook up, while Brian and I sat in the back seat of his friend’s car making out passionately not being able to keep our hands off one another. Not even caring we originally were going on a ride to get high. Anyways, we got back to my dorm where Ryan and Ramona were just talking and Ryan would not leave and Brian obviously wanted to spend the night with me. Looking back I should have either suggested a threesome or Ryan and I should have gone back to his dorm, but I am a good friend and couldn’t ditch Ramona. However, I was stuck awkwardly cuddling with Ryan and Ramona and Brian were in Door Handel’s bed. In the morning I learned Ramona had gave Brian head and was now in love with him herself. Bitch he’s mine I wanted to tell her, but I didn’t have the guts to be honest and tell her point blank she was sloppy seconds. So when she realized he liked me our friendship was done and of course I was the bad guy. And you may be wondering why I still had hope in getting with Brian and he didn’t do anything to reciprocate the favor. I don’t blame him if some guy started going down on me that I didn’t like, I wouldn’t stop him as long as he was talented.

So I truly think I am in love with this guy, and he asked me to go to his frat dance with him. Therefore, another night he asked me to come meet him at his friend’s house for a party. Soon after I got there we went into his friends room for I thought making out and maybe a hand job or a blowjob since I had my period. However as we were making out on the bed he took out my tampon. And I was like NO I do not want to be a slut and have sex with him because I was taught to hold off on sex to hold onto a man (true statement). For even though I kept saying no, he knew I wanted him and I did, so my no’s turned to yes and he slipped a condom on and gently entered me and I went with it. Then after we had sex I figured there was no point to hold out so we had gotten together on other occasions. But he never took me to that dance, he asked another girl from his dorm. So heartbroken I hoped to never make this mistake again falling for an asshole. But I don’t think I ever learned my lesson.

Don't Come Knockin' if the Bunk Beds are Rockin'

Since I was 5 years old, I knew what sex was even if I didn’t know how it exactly happened. But I did know it was an act between a man’s penis and a woman’s vagina. Also young and naive from watching all the Disney movies possible, I thought Prince Charming would sweep me off my feet marry me and fuck me gently. Boy I couldn’t have been more wrong. If you read my introduction, yes I am not lying I lost my virginity to a one night stand and it was so long ago now I can’t even remember his name.

Anyhow, let me take you back to this unforgettable night in 2003. My first semester at Miami University, no not in Florida, it’s in Oxford Ohio where the college of 16,000 doubles the town’s population. So you can imagine there is not much to do besides drink, do drugs, tip cows, or have sex.

My friend Melissa from high school also decided to attend Miami University, and we didn’t want to ruin our friendship, thus we decided to have random roommates. Luckily, we were put in the same dorm and her obese, albino roommate actually had a cute cousin, Jason that went to a near by university. So one Friday Jason and his friend were coming to party with Melissa and I in my room since my bi-polar roommate “door handle” frequently left to go back to her mommy and daddy’s place (nickname actually very similar to her real name). Anyways, all four of us were drinking and playing games, and in an hour or so the lights were dimmed and my unnamed virginity taker chose to play Kenney Chesney’s rendition of “I love to lay you down”, as he climbed to the top bunk and Melissa and Jason took the bunk below. Within a few minutes the bunk beds were rocking.

A pillow was placed over my face to muffle my screams as my cherry was popped. Thankfully it also helped muffle my laughter from the noise and movements from below. Both men finished rather quickly since both of our vaginas were un-penetrated and in no need of kegels.

Melissa and I both went to the restroom laughing and excited at our accomplishment and was pleased we were not extreme bleeders. When we returned back to the dorm room the men said they were going to leave and get food and return. We believed them, but of course, they never came back. However, Melissa and I were still excited knowing this would be a night we could never forget.

Introduction

Some may call me easy, a slut, skank, floozy, or a hoe…you get the idea. And it has taken me years of fighting the dominant beliefs and definitions of these words. For I have never been paid to have sex or perform sexual favors. Nor have I ever had to pay for them. All of the sex I’ve had has been with men whom I was attracted to (maybe with beer goggles) and who were attracted to me or at least my vagina. Because I have been a sexual being my entire life as all humans should be. The asexual people are the people to fear, not the men and women with normal libidos. I digress.

I lost my virginity at the age of eighteen to a man I met that night. A one night stand and like many girls I was taught your first time should be special and with your husband. However I was horny from the age of five when my cousin and I began playing doctor and I also lived a very sheltered life. So of course I rebelled the second I escaped home and went to college. Then after my cherry was popped, I felt guilty, but then slowly one man after another I added to my list of sexual partners. Some of my friends would judge and I would blame it on alcohol and say I would never do it again. And of course, I knew my parents would never support my sexual escapades since they met in high school and married a few years later. But I didn’t meet Mr. Right in high school, college, and now not even in graduate school. But as mentioned, I have met many booty calls, friends with benefits, and one night stands.

My list is well over thirty, I have lost count, and have not updated my list in a long time. Because finally I have successfully ignored the stereotypes of easy women and nymphomaniacs and I am happy with my life, I love it and myself. For I believe Mr. Right will come along eventually. I definitely do want to be in a serious relationship, but my mother always said you can’t look for love. I believe this, however you can look for sex and sexual partners, and for a horny woman like me, I welcome any man who is single, attractive, with no STD’s, and has a good sized penis…at least for a night. I was taught sex should be a beautiful act between two people who love each other. Now I have never experienced that. None of the men I have been with I have loved, some I liked a lot but none of them were even boyfriends. While yes if there is an emotional connection, obviously sex is better. But one can’t deny sex is a primitive physical act. All living things were created to reproduce one way or another. But popping out babies is not the only reason to have sex, otherwise the world would be more over populated than it already is. Thus, I guarantee the statistic of people having sex for pleasure is insanely higher than the people having sex to procreate. Therefore, me having sex when the opportunity arises doesn’t hurt anyone since I am single. The only possible person to get hurt is myself if a condom breaks or a condom is forgotten and I get pregnant or an STD. But that is why they created Plan B, because I would rather spend $50.00 to be safe than $1,000 to get an abortion on top of all of the emotional trauma that comes with it. I was raised Catholic, meaning Pro-Life all the way, so my mom always said if I got pregnant she would raise the child as her own. That kept my legs closed all through high school. I mean what sane person would have a baby that then would be raised like a sister. No thank you.

Therefore, I am writing this to give other horny women like myself strength and empowerment. It is your body and you have the right to do whatever you want, sleep with whoever you want, eat whatever you want, wear whatever you want as long as you are happy and are doing things because you want to. Not making choices because “that’s how it should be” or “that’s what the media says” or that was how I was raised”. It’s bull shit, because I am sure you will all agree with me, it takes a lot more for a man to be labeled a man whore than a woman to be called a slut. We are equal despite we still live in a white dominated patriarchal society where women are still paid only seventy cents to a dollar compared to a man. Even though the visible inequality may never change between women and men in our lifetime, women have to choose to break the norms, stereotypes, and labels ourselves.

For I do not believe women were put on earth to serve men, make babies, and cook. Fuck that housewife shit. I am going to make something of myself.

Disclaimer: I appreciate all housewives and stay at home moms. My mom is an amazing example of one, love you mom!